Contrapuntal

Despite the cover art and title, this article is not about the surprising synchronicity of watching The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side of the Moon. This is about myself wanting to fulfill the publicized demand of a young literary agent. Earlier on in April, she stated in an interview that she would like to receive a manuscript about a young female wanting to make it as a singer in the heavy metal scene of the nineties. Whenever you get any fish-out-of water story, it’s common for someone to reference the line about no longer being in Kansas. In this instance, Scarecrow, Lion, Tin Man and Toto would be represented by the other band-mates. Seeing as how there is a metal singer named Doro Pesch, it would be fitting if the name of the protagonist was Doris. I don’t want to write the novel, because there is something appealing about having novels that could be counted on one hand. Instead, I will elect a successor. This is akin to having a singer be a songwriter for another singer. Below is a list of ideas for dialogue, narration and names which are mostly out-takes from my five novels since there is a rule as to how many words that you can have in a novel…



1) Glitzkrieg (the band’s name).


2) Lyrics: “Kicking ass. Taking names. Smoking grass. Making flames.”


3) Hair Heiress (the name of a hairdresser’s salon).


4) Venus Value (a female magazine).


5) “I can see why heavy metal bands write ballads or slow songs in general. They spend so much time shredding on stage that they need to relax or they might get carpal tunnel syndrome.”


6) A bag on someone’s head like a hostage when going to see a band in a private location.


7) That cliché of a band who criticizes their previous album when advertising their next one.


8) Most `80s metal albums had so much reverb that they sounded like demos.


9) A music critic describes one album as palable pablum.


10) “Out of all losers, you win.”


11) The music note known as treble clef can be successfully rearranged as an anagram called Cleft Rebel. With the right artwork, this could form a début EP cover. Rearranged again, it becomes Bereft Cell – the title of a band’s début LP. The artwork shows a prison cell that has been left open following a successful escape.


12) His knowledge came to the fore whereas her knowledge was at the forefront. She’s smarter.


13) A punk rocker’s personality being described as having spite and spunk.


14) A record label displays a lesbian music duo called Medusa’s Muse. They are like Shakespear’s Sister. Yes, that’s Shakespeare spelled wrongly.


15) The opening band of a headliner is like a trailer reel before a film in the cinema.


16) It’s like saying jogging is for people too cheap to buy a treadmill.


17) A collar bone tattoo where two candles burn at both ends. The ends of the tattoo depict moths attracted to the light.


18) A nostalgia band called Sugar Daddy Longlegs. Their mascot is an Octopus with spider legs.


19) The faster you age, the slower your reflexes are.


20) Rock, paper and scissors = drunk, stoner and coke fiend.



21) Imagine that you’re in a room where the outside smells so bad that you have to spray the gaps around the door.


22) Pay the rent and get bent.


23) Glory holes in cubicle of singer’s recording booth.


24) Luminous luminary.


25) A photo shoot where a glam rocker places an alcohol bottle in front of his crotch so that a female supermodel drinks from it.


26) Sunglasses that look like vinyls.


27) Fledgling fame, floundering fortune.


28) Not ugly, just slightly unsightly.


29) Tooth brush to scratch sore throat.


30) People doing an impersonation of a blowjob looks like someone using a toothbrush.


31) A joke about the similarities between tiptoeing and pussyfooting.


32) Observation: When a spider’s web survives rainfall, the sunlight allows a spectrum of colours to be seen that reminds oneself of a rainbow.


33) Busting balls is like bursting balloons.


34) Pink liquid that comes from a mixture of shaving cream and blood. It looks like Pepto-Bismol.


35) Forget what they say about keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. What you really need to do is keep your enemies close, and your cards closer.


36) A Simple Minds tribute band called Simple Things.


37) Someone has a sh!t-eating grin because they are an @ss-kisser.


38) It’s amazing that someone can still speak English after having amnesia.


39) A joke about embarrassment: A woman says that she avoided getting drunk because painting the town red can make you look red in the face. A person responds by saying that drinking too much alcohol can make your face look literally red.


40) Is it really stalking if a celebrity needs to be put on suicide watch?



41) A friend is a chip off the old block. An enemy has a chip on their shoulder.


42) A solo’s artist concept album about having a split personality. It’s called Heckle the Jekyl, Chide the Hyde. Side “A” is Jekyl, whereas Side “B” is Hyde.


43) Push comes to shove joke – Him: “You’re pushing your luck.”
Her: “You’re shoving yours.”


44) Lead guitarist: “Yeah, but you’re pushing 60.”
Manager: “You’ll be pushing daisies in a minute.”


45) Sarcastic joke: “Serial killers don’t exactly leave traces so as to give closure to the victims.”


46) An insomniac or any kind of night owl for that matter is a vampire’s wet dream.


47) Who let him put on make-up like that and walk in front of the camera? A vengeful artist wanting to see him get sectioned.


48) Fingernails painted to look like a roulette board.


49) When a person sobs, it sounds like psychotic singing.


50) A publicist used to be a hostage negotiator before becoming a salesman.


51) A weed-selling van whose surface is completely covered to look like a moving lawn.


52) An argument between band members where one says “You’re putting your foot in your mouth” before the other says “You’re putting one foot in the grave.”


53) Lyric: “I want to smooth your rough edges.”


54) For a medical drink, Pepto-Bismol sure tastes like strawberry milkshake mixed with root beer.


55) Female singer’s dad: “Don’t let me stand in the way of your pipe dreams.”


56) Singer’s mother: “When pigs fly.”
Daughter: “Technically, they do with rugby and American football.”


57) Experts of the Cognac drink are called Cognac Cognoscenti.


58) Music video director giving advice on singer’s performance: “Less mushy, more tushy.”


59) Seeing two female friends: “Either they’re a couple or they’re too familiar with each other.”


60) The band’s manager says: “There’s being a leader, and then there’s being a tyrant.”



61) The singer talking about the sacked bassist: “He seemed so normal, though.”
Drummer: “That’s what they say about serial killers – He was completely normal until they found a head in his fridge.”


62) The band’s manager: “It’s either you will or you won’t, you do or your don’t.”


63) The record label manager: “Reading a contract is the difference between maybe and will be.”


64) Singer: “Am I in the band, for now?”
Rhythm guitarist: “No, forever.”


65) Singer: “Nah, XXX should be the name of an album that is released on our thirtieth anniversary.”


66) Rhythm guitarist compliments the singer: “What makes you indespensable is indescribable.”


67) Being heartless is what separates pithy from pity.


68) Life is only dope without the tightrope.


69) JASOND is code for July August September October November December.


70) Telling a record label to back off: “There is a difference between putting us in a direction and pushing us in that direction. People can smell forced from a mile off.”


71) Manager: “You’re not getting any.”
Bassist: “You’re not getting any younger.”


72) Lyric: Clawing at the crevice of insanity.


73) Negative trade press of record label: “Mr. Portly prospers poorly.”


74) Mother: “Never let a man think he has you eating out of the palm of his hands.”


75) Singer: “Look at the grunge scene, you don’t need to be a lumbering lumberjack to play heavy music.”
Drummer: “But Pantera dress like that so that they could blend in with that aesthetic.”


76) A band called Mother Nature.


77) A woman has a jewel piercing to hide her double chin.


78) Lyric: If push comes to shove then spin comes to twist.


79) There’s a difference between nostalgia and refusing to let go.


80) Final line of music review: It remains to be seen if this band will receive the plaudits from fellow pundits.



81) A woman has dreamcatcher ear-rings.


82) A magazine called Heavy Metal Poisoning.


83) A band called Bandits.


84) Just because something is fruitless doesn’t mean that it pointless.


85) After smelling his wet penis and a groupie’s vagina, the new bassist says: “Why does genitalia smell like tuna?”


86) She is so good at karaoke that she is a walking mixtape.


87) Hiding CD behind a poster.


88) An album title which is a pun based on identity – Eyed Entity. The cover consists of different kinds of women’s eyes from so many angles that the overall effect is akin to a diamond.


89) Drummer uses the “carrot and stick” philosophy to help drug-addicted bassist.


90) The age of 25 is when the brain is said to fully mature.


91) The problem with making a music video with rain and leather is that water shrinks leather.


92) The problem with making a music video in front of flames is that heat shrinks leather.


93) Vinyl race track music video.


94) A diva goes from being called Duchess out of respect to being called a Douchess.


95) Wearing a boxer’s mouthguard for eating and drinking to avoid trips to dentists.


96) “I never understood the need for mansions. The homeless should live there.”


97) Don’t shoot the messenger, even if you’re just shooting a glance.


98) Producer giving advice on lyrics to the leader of the band – the lead guitarist: “Why be a man of the world when you can be a man of the people?”


99) Wearing goggles in shower because of her hair being washed while she gives a blowjob.


100) Lyric: “Spreads lies as well as her thighs.”



101) Rejection is like being a soldier, you get shot down constantly.


102) A death metal band called Tone Deaf.


103) An industrial metal band have an album called Trash Compactor.


104) An all-girl country rock band called Cowgirls from Heaven.


105) A speed metal band called Spitfire Spritz.


106) Cock goes well with rock like Elvis goes well with pelvis.


107) The band watch a behind-the-scenes video of a porno where milk is mixed with urine to look like a man has more cum than he has. Someone in the band jokes about a word – accumulate. Someone else jokes that a gang-bang puts the team in steamy.


108) A male porn star called Wyatt Stallion plays rock gigs at a club.


109) Heather Locklear was the next Farrah Fawcett, but Tina Turner was a poor man’s Diana Ross.


110) Pizza that’s sliced to look like a peace sign.


111) Lyric: Flick of the wrist. Put on the blacklist. She’s an hourglass perfectionist.


112) Sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference between a stalker and a private detective.


113) Critic: “He is good in his own way.”
Reader: “Talk about damning with faint praise.”


114) Back to the Future would have been better if the mad scientist was a woman named Dolores.


115) An album cover of a woman’s butt covered by a thong. There is a red imprint of a sole from a boot. The album title is Stamp of Approval.


116) Lyrics: Glistening tears, listening ears.


117) Someone’s neon clothes being described as transcendentally resplendent.


118) A hippy rock band called Buddah Pest. A reference to Budapest.


119) People’s standards are dropping like a teenage male’s voice and an old woman’s pair of breasts.


120) An alternative rock cover band called Jade’s Affliction.



121) For a depressed person, escapism is about swallowing a pill and drinking alcohol while listening to headphones in a locked room. Truly free from distractions of the outside world.


122) It’s better to not understand a person than it is if you can’t stand them.


123) Her eyes are as piercing as her nose ring.


124) The wolf of Wall Street will huff, puff and blow your house of cards down.


125) It’s better to lose face than lose life.


126) “That groupie is riding your d!ck like a bandwagon.”


127) In the eighties, it was all about Cocteau Twins versus Thompson Twins. Now, it’s all about Soundgarden versus Sonic Youth.


128) “You may be the ringleader but look at how many hoops that you have to jump through.”


129) That guy is so good at riffing that he could give a handjob with a broken hand.


130) Talking to someone who’s outstayed their welcome: “….and? You want an encore?”


131) “With our music, we have traction. With you, we have attraction.”


132) “If you want to flirt, don’t go to a bar…go to the gym.”


133) A man in a different room says something which reveals that he doesn’t know that two women have gone from fighting to having object-destroying sex: “I don’t know what’s going on between those two.”


134) “Perhaps we should wear ear plugs when someone is about to get angry.”


135) “If I wanted to watch paint dry, I would paint my finger nails.”


136) Lyric: Fantasize. Feel the size. You will ask for seconds. That’s what he reckons.


137) Illiterate people shouldn’t drive cars.


138) “You spent quite some time building an image of yourself that only exists in your head.”


139) During a radio interview, one could literally air grievances on air.


140) The band’s manager forcing the lead guitarist to read a contract: “Take your head out of your @ss and bury it in these papers.”



141) Ballad lyric: Too drunk for summer, too sober for winter.


142) True whimsy is about doing something on a whim in a whimsical manner.


143) Person: “Is that what I think it is?”
Response: “No, it’s what you know it is.”


144) “What drives you and what drives you away?”


145) A groupie’s buttocks is played like a bongo.


146) Because of vinyls, the female singer’s band is inspired to write a politically incorrect song called Backwards Message.


147) Person: “Your argument doesn’t hold much water.”
Response: “Your belly holds less beer.”


148) Bad press from a pub review: “A startlet stinks in a sea of fart.”


149) “Since you work 9 to 5, I want to be your 6 to 8.”


150) “I would tell you to put your tail between your legs, but your head is still stuck in your @ss.”


151) “You’re expecting bells and whistles, but you’re getting bell-ends and catcalls.”


152) Person talking about a movie: “That’s two hours I can’t get back.”
Argumentative person: “Versus what? Reading a book? Watching a TV show? Watching a movie is more relevant than reading a book, and it’s more important than watching a TV show. Two hours of watching a movie is a Hell of a lot better than spending a night in a cell.”


153) “I like my movies like how I like my cocks – uncut.”


154) This chef’s cookbook should be called Fat Guy’s Fact Guide.


155) An art rock band called Shrunk Violets.


156) A stage name for Doris being Brea King, which is basically breaking (à la Dokken’s Breaking the Chains).


157) A preamble is when a prelude starts to ramble.


158) Some people only fall flat on their face when they are on a high horse.


159) Drugs fill the gap of no sex. Drugs cover pain. Sex covers withdrawal.


160) Lyric: She’s the toast of the town. She ditched the wedding gown.



161) From greyhound bus to pussyhound puss.


162) “Bad singers are more likely to keep in tune when they’re in bed.”


163) “You can still be a slut even if no-one pays you to do it.”


164) Bad sex puts the lust in lackluster.


165) A groove metal band called Shotgun Barrel of Laughs.


166) “Bustiers and fishnets are kinda pointless – it’s either get naked or wear better clothes.”


167) “Let’s skip all the layers of fat so that we can get straight to the skinny. Give me the gist.”


168) “My fun is different from your fun, so please be quiet before the storm.”


169) When in Hell, do what devils do.


170) “I really hope that signing autographs won’t be like having a kissing booth.”


171) From task master to mask taster.


172) Lyric: She got laid. He got laid off. She got paid. He got paid off. It’s the card you’re dealt. It’s below the belt.


173) “Your voice is as cute as a flute.”


174) Person: “I didn’t know that.”
Response: “Of course you didn’t.”


175) Being a baby is easier than raising one.


176) Person: “That’s not fair.”
Response: “I don’t care. Pay the fare.”


177) “It’s not better to bury your head in sand than burying it in papers.”


178) “This business is shallow. People are at your feet then you’re kicked to the curb.”


179) Person: “I’ve not heard of them.”
Sarcastic response: “Of course, they can’t possibly be good if YOU haven’t heard of them.”


180) It’s better to be self-deprecating than self-defecating.



181) Many bands crash and burn. They jump on a bandwagon and fall off the wagon.


182) Cynical observation: “In the same way that a consolation prize is still a prize.”


183) Person: “I’m no expert but shouldn’t you…?”
Response: “Exactly, you have no expertise.”


184) People who live in big houses don’t need bookmarks, they need music sheet stands.


185) When you apologize, you’re confirming what an @sshole you are, not what a friend you are.


186) Seeing a well-dressed woman: “I’m sure that many people want to tap that tapestry. It’s pure Heaven even if the acts are impure.”


187) “I’m going to put you on such a high pedestal that there is pride before the fall.”


188) Sex is a placebo for people who suffer from depression.


189) “Why bother with first impressions if you give people second chances?


190) “The question isn’t what I like but, rather, what I don’t like, so you don’t run the risk of pissing me off.”


191) Walking on a street and seeing different people watch TV shows is like channel surfing.


192) Metronome dance move – clicking your fingers as you swing your arm in each direction.


193) Perfection can be imagined, rarely attained and never maintained.


194) An enemy is out for you whereas a friend is looking out for you.


195) She is a freeloader with freewheeling philosophy.


196) The more I say “Not like in,” the more I feel like I’m saying “Not liking.”


197) Wearing stage clothes is like coming out of the closet only on Halloween.


198) He has a nasal voice but he is a baritone in the bedroom.


199) When I’m sober, the music is too loud. When I’m drunk, the music is not loud enough.”


200) Don’t dump your new band and go solo in favour of greener pastures in Hollywood where the money is greener and the people are just as green.”



201) A man observes a blonde-haired woman finishing penetrating a brunette woman. He says to the blonde: “I don’t think she’s climaxed yet.”


The brunette says: “How would you know?”


He tells the brunette: “Your voice was anti-climatic.”


The blonde sarcastically tells the brunette: “Yes, you weren’t hitting those high notes.”


The brunette sarcastically agrees with the blonde: “I guess I wasn’t literally singing your praises.”


The blonde sarcastically tells the brunette: “One more time with feeling!”

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