This article was originally about the naughtiest tweets of Iliza Shlesinger, but she removed so many of them because of the whole cancel culture that’s been brought about by woke-obsessed millennials. Instead, I will focus on her lookalike – Nikki Glaser. They are both comediennes, actresses as well as TV hosts (of dating, game and talk shows). The name of this article is based on the caption of her below MySpace photo: She didn’t ask to be Glased. Anyway, here are her sauciest tweets and some of her MySpace photos…
5 Jan 2009: Just watched The Accused. I’ll never have sex on a pinball machine the same way again.
6 Jul 2009: Just googled my bf’s ex-girlfriend. Who only has a classmates.com account? Whores! That’s who!
10 Sep 2009: I said “black cock” on terrestrial radio today. My bucket list is getting shorter by the minute.
20 Sep 2009: During my period, I like to refer to my vagina as “the red carpet.” #imsosorry #ihadto
18 May 2010: I’d like to go back and sleep with some of the first guys I slept with to show them how good I’ve gotten, and also to get my earrings back.
13 Jun 2010: My friend has breast cancer and is going through chemo. To show my solidarity, I’m going to shave my tits.
25 Jun 2010: A friend sent me a porn w/ a girl who looks a lot like me. I hope someday she sees 1 of my comedy clips. And that she, too, jerks off to it.
29 Jun 2010: Ouch! I just banged my hand so hard… with my vagina. #imgoingtoregretpostingthisinfiveseconds
24 Jul 2010: Good advice! But seriously, what’s the best way for me to market my sex tape? RT @KimKardashian Dedication and hard work pay off.
28 Jul 2010: When I started in comedy I thought “give it up for your next comic” meant I had to sleep with him.
26 Aug 2010: Don’t fall for it, ladies. Eating a ton of cum does NOT make pineapple taste better. It’s delicious all on its own!
30 Aug 2010: I just flaked on an orgasm.
30 Aug 2010: The last guy I slept with left a bad taste in my vagina.
3 Sep 2010: I’ll be excited to hear Taylor Swift’s music after she starts f#cking.
25 Oct 2010: When I get older, I’m going to blame my back pain on my slammin’ tits.
3 Dec 2010: “No, I’m not turned on. That’s my vagina crying.”
5 Dec 2010: This ride reminds me of the time that dad took me home from babysitting in 8th grade & Marcy’s Playground came on. “I smell sex & candy…”
7 Dec 2010: Thinking of becoming a bored again virgin…
15 Dec 2010: I’m much more grossed out by girls who ride mechanical bulls than those that do porn.
11 Jan 2011: Sleeping with an ex is fun. We incorporate things into the bedroom that we’ve never tried in the past… like condoms.
11 Jan 2011: Lately I’ve been trying to spice up my sex life, but all this Indian food is having an adverse effect.
19 Jan 2011: I always carry a tooth brush in my purse- not because I’m a slut, but because I like to brush my teeth the morning after a one-night-stand.
4 Feb 2011: If someone ever puts a hidden camera in my hotel room, I hope I’m naked a lot, just to distract from the messiness.
25 Feb 2011: Boys never have duvets. I think it’s because they’re like comforter condoms, so they think it won’t feel as good.
6 Apr 2011: I have to shave my vagina because I’m having surgery. It’s a knee operation, but I really want to wow my doctor.
16 May 2011: I would consider sleeping with a second cousin. The first was just so fun!
8 Jun 2011: I don’t have a dog, but I think that peanut butter/vagina trick could work on some men.
6 Oct 2011: I like orgasm because they’re like, really big sneezes.
6 Oct 2011: Don’t go see The Lion King in 3D. They took out the dust swirl that spells “SEX” in that one scene. I want my money back.
15 Nov 2011: It’s fun to incorporate new toys into the bedroom, like condoms!
28 Jan 2012: My fav sex position is supine.
22 Feb 2012: I sure do love me some Hugh Jackman. Whoops. I mean huge black man.
17 Feb 2013: Best idea I’ve ever had: sunglasses during sex.
22 Feb 2014: The Sonicare really is the best vibrator on the market.
12 Apr 2014: The woman in room 341 is either having great sex or someone keeps throwing a spider on her.
11 Jun 2014: Hot tip 4 ladies: If your man watches a lot of porn and you feel neglected, gain back his interest by dressing like a sexy laptop!
6 Jul 2014: In line at Starbucks, a girl flipping through her photos landed on some naked shots. Wish you were here.
25 Apr 2015: My bf loves makeup sex- the kind where I wear makeup.
24 Aug 2015: Girls who can squirt, have you ever followed it up with, “omg my water just broke!!”
4 Nov 2015: How come I’m not allowed to hear the word “cum” on basic cable, but I can see a (dead) child get shot in the head in the opening scene?
30 Mar 2016: The guy who didn’t get me water also asked me to be in a 3some w/ his friend. I slept w/them both separately. I showed them!
21 Dec 2016: I’m sorry everyone, but I think Ariana Grande’s new song ‘Side To Side’ is about having sex with a guy with a huge d.
4 Dec 2017: Porn search: “respectful gangbang”
14 Jan 2018: Jealous that Sandra Oh gets to scream her name during sex.
Editor’s note: Below is her set-list from her MySpace era.
I wonder how long that she has experienced lesbian urges.