Witty Whitney

Surname: Cummings – stand-up comedienne, actress, writer and chat show host. Tweets…



7 May 2009: …has some free time today. Sex tape?


14 Aug 2009: Kourtney Kardashian “forgot” to take the pill? I’d forget to have sex before I’d forget to take the pill.


28 Aug 2009: My boyfriend is out of town. I miss him. Sex just isn’t the same without him.



10 Sep 2009: I don’t wear push-up bras. One butt is enough, thanks.


26 Oct 2009: I’m not into sex tapes. You have to set up a camera…I don’t want to have to put batteries in two things before I have sex.


19 Mar 2010: Guys, if sex didn’t burn calories, we’d do it a lot less.



2 May 2010: The movie Furry Vengeance is like bad sex. Nobody came.


28 May 2010: Sex in the City used to make me feel lonely. Now it makes me feel poor.


28 May 2010: Sex in the City is like porn for women. Oddly, our porn has more vaginas and house music.



23 Jun 2010: Cosmo Girl magazine! Thank god someone’s teaching our 13 year old girls “steamy” sex positions.


3 Aug 2010: Read that NyQuil lessens the effectiveness of birth control pills. The two pills I need to have sex don’t work together?!


7 Aug 2010: So marriage is basically like “Sure, I’ll have sex with you a couple times a week if you pay for my life.”



25 Aug 2010: The problem with make-up sex is that you have to actually make up.


12 Oct 2010:  I find it odd that the only time I am ever barefoot is when I’m either having sex or at the airport.


6 Nov 2010: Trying to sleep on a plane is like trying to have sex on a grasshopper.



5 Dec 2010: @VINNYGUADAGNINO This sexual tension is just too much. I can’t wait to have mediocre sex with you on New Years Eve!


31 Dec 2010: Saw Glee. So it’s people singing, dancing, and having sex, all with a guy in a wheelchair watching. It’s like an orgy at Larry Flynt’s house.


20 Jan 2011: Ass is the new boobs? Rappers. God bless ’em.



20 Mar 2011: Guys seem to think we’re always on our period. I guess we should stop using it as an excuse when we don’t want to have sex.


20 Mar 2011: So it goes – sex tape, revelation that you have no talents, reality show, your own fragrance? I’ve got this all backward.


3 Apr 2011: Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.



6 Apr 2011: Guys want to have sex with our boobs now? When did vaginas get so boring?


17 Apr 2011: Peeing after sex should be an Olympic sport.


18 Apr 2011: You can’t be successful and have sex on weekdays.



18 Aug 2011: If a girl’s hair is up in a bun, she is non-verbally begging you to not try to have sex with her.


30 Sep 2011: For a woman, being on top during sex is like riding a bicycle: you never do it after college.


13 Nov 2011: If you take photos of yourself alone more than twice a day, you either have sex every day or twice a day with two different people.



24 Dec 2011: If you’re referred to simply as a porn “actress” – you must really suck at sex.


19 Mar 2013: Tomorrow night on Whitney, art imitates life (my butt is the art).


9 Oct 2013: I’d be so much less embarrassed by a sex tape than a video of me breaking it down to Katy Perry’s Roar.



12 Nov 2013: Guys want a “fat ass” and, by fat ass, they mean a perfectly toned super muscular ass with zero fat on it.


25 Nov 2013: Don’t tell me you’re “trying” to get pregnant. It just makes me imagine you having sex with shirts on.


2 Dec 2013: I know guys love when we leave our shoes on during sex, so let’s compromise and how about you let me wear Crocs?



26 Jan 2014: I feel like I know more about Beyonce’s sex life than I do my own.


20 May 2015: Some girls have sex toys by their bed. I have dog toys.


10 Jul 2015: Everyone says butts are the new boobs. It seems like butts are the new face and boobs are the new personality?



12 Aug 2015: Sex tape? I’m still trying to figure out how to make a mix tape.


21 Aug 2015: MILF porn is just women in their 40’s, which I find so cute. It’s like, dude, just go have sex with your wife.


26 Sep 2015: One guy told me he’s an “ass man” – another just said he’s a “boob guy.” Any dudes left that are just into vaginas?



28 Sep 2015: For those of you who keep accusing me of “cheek implants” – do you mean face or ass? and if ass, thanks!


29 Sep 2015: Watch me and @JessicaBiel teach you everything you need to know about sex. Well, the sex we’ve had at least. http://www.funnyordie.com/WomanCareGlobal


15 Nov 2015: For every inspirational quote on Instagram, there are exactly eight butts.



19 Dec 2016: I can’t wait until big butts are out and big hearts are in.


4 Dec 2017: A girl I work with has an incredible butt and I have YET TO TELL HER. See, guys? It is possible to not compliment a woman at work.


16 Mar 2017: Can someone let me know the next body trend so I can get a heads up? The big butt thing really threw me for a loop.



11 Nov 2017: I’m hearing a lot of guys say sexual harassment “isn’t about sex, it’s about power.” This implies that harassment results in some kind of real power. Harassing a woman reveals how little power you have over yourself.


May 5, 2018: I know everyone is upset that DJ Khaled won’t go down on his wife, but I feel like that isn’t close to the biggest disappointment his wife has around sex with him? I’m basing this mostly on the times I’ve seen him in a hot tub.

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