Witty Whitney

Surname: Cummings – stand-up comedienne, actress, writer and chat show host. Without further ado, here are her sexiest tweets…



28 Aug 2009: My boyfriend is out of town. I miss him. Sex just isn’t the same without him.


10 Sep 2009: I don’t wear push-up bras. One butt is enough, thanks.


26 Oct 2009: I’m not into sex tapes. You have to set up a camera…I don’t want to have to put batteries in two things before I have sex.


19 Mar 2010: Guys, if sex didn’t burn calories, we’d do it a lot less.


28 May 2010: Sex in the City used to make me feel lonely. Now it makes me feel poor.


28 May 2010: Sex in the City is like porn for women. Oddly, our porn has more vaginas and house music.


3 Aug 2010: Read that NyQuil lessens the effectiveness of birth control pills. The two pills I need to have sex don’t work together?!



7 Aug 2010: So marriage is basically like “Sure, I’ll have sex with you a couple times a week if you pay for my life.”


12 Oct 2010:  I find it odd that the only time I am ever barefoot is when I’m either having sex or at the airport.


31 Dec 2010: Saw Glee. So it’s people singing, dancing, and having sex, all with a guy in a wheelchair watching. It’s like an orgy at Larry Flynt’s house.


20 Jan 2011: Ass is the new boobs? Rappers. God bless ’em.


20 Mar 2011: So it goes – sex tape, revelation that you have no talents, reality show, your own fragrance? I’ve got this all backward.


3 Apr 2011: Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.


6 Apr 2011: Guys want to have sex with our boobs now? When did vaginas get so boring?



18 Apr 2011: You can’t be successful and have sex on weekdays.


30 Sep 2011: For a woman, being on top during sex is like riding a bicycle: you never do it after college.


24 Dec 2011: If you’re referred to simply as a porn “actress” – you must really suck at sex.


9 Oct 2013: I’d be so much less embarrassed by a sex tape than a video of me breaking it down to Katy Perry’s Roar.


12 Nov 2013: Guys want a “fat ass” and, by fat ass, they mean a perfectly toned super muscular ass with zero fat on it.


2 Dec 2013: I know guys love when we leave our shoes on during sex, so let’s compromise and how about you let me wear Crocs?


20 May 2015: Some girls have sex toys by their bed. I have dog toys.


10 Jul 2015: Everyone says butts are the new boobs. It seems like butts are the new face and boobs are the new personality?



26 Sep 2015: One guy told me he’s an “ass man” – another just said he’s a “boob guy.” Any dudes left that are just into vaginas?


28 Sep 2015: For those of you who keep accusing me of “cheek implants” – do you mean face or ass? and if ass, thanks!


29 Sep 2015: Watch me and @JessicaBiel teach you everything you need to know about sex. Well, the sex we’ve had at least. http://www.funnyordie.com/WomanCareGlobal


15 Nov 2015: For every inspirational quote on Instagram, there are exactly eight butts.


19 Dec 2016: I can’t wait until big butts are out and big hearts are in.


4 Dec 2017: A girl I work with has an incredible butt and I have YET TO TELL HER. See, guys? It is possible to not compliment a woman at work.


16 Mar 2017: Can someone let me know the next body trend so I can get a heads up? The big butt thing really threw me for a loop.


11 Nov 2017: I’m hearing a lot of guys say sexual harassment “isn’t about sex, it’s about power.” This implies that harassment results in some kind of real power. Harassing a woman reveals how little power you have over yourself.

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