K.H. Middlemass

I know her as Kathy from our college days. She was my favourite classmate. Among other texts, we analyzed Cold Mountain (1997) and even saw the 2003 film. Last October, she published a novel. My respect for her grew in 2012 when she vlogged about the worst novel to achieve mainstream success. The reason why my respect grew is because the E.L. James novel was conceived as a mass media attempt to counteract my erotic novel. I won’t rehash what I ruefully mentioned in my 2017 article (The Yin to my Yang), but I will say that her novel was a lesson in how to steal someone’s thunder without being accused of, let alone sued for, plagiarism.



It was reminiscent of a season 5 episode of The Simpsons titled Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy (1995). The only harmless coincidence is that E.L. was a TV executive before being a novelist. How you know that I am telling the truth can be discerned from one telling detail: Erika Leonard supposedly had her novel since 2009 but it only got published in 2011 – when I arrived on the literary agency scene. Even some of the five star reviews on Amazon describe her novel as rushed. Reading Kathy’s tweets was a form of therapy that cheered me up since she has so much to talk about – not just about the aforementioned Secretary rip-off whose Twilight charade is the apt equivalent to the Malibu Stacy doll being a rehash where the only difference is that she has a hat.



As a token of my appreciation, I will advertise Kathy to any future suitors by rehashing, sorry…reformating info from her Plenty of Fish profile – as symbolized by the below photo. The headline for her profile was Do you like gobby eyeliner fans? She is a curvy and non-religious non-smoker whose height is 163 cm (5′ 4″). Her intent is to look for a relationship instead of looking for casual dating or wanting to find someone to marry. Her education level is university. Her academic status is a Bachelors Degree, her personality is bookworm and her profession is copywriter.



She drinks socially and doesn’t do drugs. She has no pets and is undecided/open about having children. Instead of describing herself as somewhat ambitious or very ambitious, she is just ambitious. She has green eyes. She has a car. Her star sign is Cancer. The longest relationship that she had been in lasted for over 6 years. She is seeking a man. Her summary was: Geek. Goth. Eyeliner enthusiast. Feminist. Generally quite angry but in a nice way. Message me cos I’m not paying a fancy premium. 😛



Now it’s time to use this article as an extension of her OkCupid profile. The problem with POF is that it doesn’t let you know if someone is bisexual. On OKC, Kathy is revealed to be straight. Instead of POF’s limitation giving the implication that she is an atheist, she was given the freedom to describe herself as agnostic but it’s not important. She wants her single men to be living within 50 miles, and for their ages to be somewhere between 21 and 44. She is interested in short and long term dating along with the prospect of making new friends. Her self-summary is a variation of what she said before. This time, she describes herself as a geeky and gothy writer who is an eyeliner enthusiast as well as a lover of fairytales. Despite her photos doing the showing, she felt obligated to be telling would-be suitors that her wardrobe is 99% black.



What she’s doing with her life and the aspirations that she has on the side: “Working full time and writing whenever I get the chance.”


Her talents are best described as multiple hats: “Writing, theatre, singing, impressions. Oh and I can read super fast.”


Movies: “Pan’s Labyrinth, What We Do in the Shadows, Beauty and the Beast, it goes on.”


Shows: “I love Sailor Moon even though it’s silly. Rick and Morty, Venture Bros., Bojack Horseman, maybe something with real people in it.”


Music: “Rammstein, Nightwish, the Human League (who did invent music actually).”


Books: “I have hundred of books, please don’t make choose.”


Six needs: “Books, fountain pens, stationery, patterned socks, cups of tea, cardigans.”



Recurring thoughts: “Feminism, how much I hate the Tories, when I can acceptably have another cup of tea, the stories I write and how Silent Hill 2 is the greatest thing ever.”


Typical Friday nights: “Usually some sitting down. Some literature comsumption film and TV watching. Bit of doodling, bit of writing. Wine.”


You should message her if…


1| “You’re not scared of gobby/opinionated women.”


2| “If you like unabashed weirdos who can do a more convincing man voice than you.”


3| “If you want to wonder what the hell made you do that in the first place.”


Disclaimer: “If I don’t reply right away – it’s my fault…not yours.”



Dating survey


Which makes for a better relationship?


Dedication.


Are you looking for a partner to have children with?


No.


Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?


No.


Would you strongly prefer to date someone of your own skin color / racial background?


No.


What is the most exciting thing about getting to know someone new?


Discovering your shared interests.


How willing are you to meet someone from OkCupid in person?


Hesitant, but I’d certainly consider it.


Do you enjoy discussing politics?


Yes



 Lifestyle survey


Do you like scary movies?


Yes.


Are you a morning person?


Yes.


Is smoking disgusting?


No.


Could you date someone who was really messy?


Yes.


Which would you rather be – normal or weird?


Weird.


Would you consider having an open relationship?


No.



Which word describes you better?


Carefree.


Could you date someone who does drugs?


Yes, but only soft stuff like marijuana.


Are you a workaholic?


Yes.


Do you believe that money can buy happiness?


No.


Do you use foul language?


Yes.


Are you almost always on time?


Yes.



She didn’t answer any other types of questions. What I will say is that we have something in common in the sex department – we lost our virginity at the age of 20.

Leave a Reply