Poor Rich

Alison Rich (Valley Erica in The Goldbergs) should have been a richer star by now. Here is a compendium of her funniest moments taken from her Facebook profile (complete with guest appearances by Ilana Glazer from Broad City)…

August 11, 2012: Why do I wear high waisted pants? How else will people know how long my vagina is?

August 28, 2012: Summer’s practically over and we still haven’t gotten a tan.

Ilana, same day: Omfg. U guys r f’king amazing.

August 30, 2012: I made a dumb lil character reel with some old and new characters.

September 7, 2012: I will apparently be on ESPNU tonight making inaccurate sex noises for the #LetTheLadiesGrunt campaign.

November 8, 2012: Wanna hear something cool? My cousin Craig Rich started a company called Magician’s Cereal Marshmallows that packages JUST the marshmallows from marshmallow cereals. And you can buy them now at any Walgreens. Stoners and children unite! It’s what we’ve all been waiting for!

December 5, 2012:  Look guys maybe today I had an audition where I had to prepare a rap and maybe this is what I ended up preparing, and maybe it was exquisite….

I am a little white lady.
Not quite slim, I’m Plump Shady.
You look at me – you think I’m sweet
Like cupcakes, cookies, or this beat.

Look I got swagger and I got it for days
Natives Americans – call corn maize.
What? What am I saying?
I’m just kiddin, yeah I’m just playing.

I like to joke and I do it well
Laughs are my magic, this is my spell.
The moral of the story – well it’s this.
I’m a real cool cat, Merry Christmas!

December 18, 2012: PERFECT! Ilana Glazer and Dan Opsal YOU ARE THE FUTURE.

Ilana on the 19th: Thank you for sharing this! The East Coast misses you. I actually thought I saw you the other day but was disappointed to realize it was just some hot b!tch.

December 23, 2012: For someone who’s not sure if he supports gay marriage, my dad certainly listens to a ton of Il Divo Christmas music.

January 23, 2013: Pro fashion tip: ladies wear your high waisted pants so tight they give you a faux c-section scar. then check your phone cuz you’ve got boyfriends!

January 25, 2013: I’m a sucker for this kind of thing (black children).

January 31, 2013: Here’s the deal: awhile back I pitched a webseries to Comedy Central studios about an aspiring celebrity ghost tweeter. And they were all “we love it.” And I was all “yeaaahh!” And they were all “except what if instead of making a web series, we just had you make a twitter!” And I was like “whaaa…”

February 17, 2013: I think what I love most about LA is my impending bulimia.

February 25, 2013: What if I’m writing a pilot about three bad b!tches and what if the first episode is called “Girls Just Wanna Have GUN…s” and what if I’m not kidding….

March 13, 2013: Sincere status: I feel ril ril lucky to have any part of the comedy community because every day it seems like more and more of my friends and contemporaries are going from basements to big screens and I’m just so excited to see them run the future of comedy.

Less sincere status: Pooo-ooooop.

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