The angel’s guide to Hellywood

I was disappointed by The Devil’s Guide to Hollywood by Joe Eszterhas. I wanted insight from just him where he only talked about his own experiences instead of the people who he was quoting. Also, I don’t like Hollyweird as a nickname for Hollywood. Here are my personal tips…

As an actor…

1) You should never let anyone know who your emergency contact is. You don’t want a loved one to be kidnapped or exploited.

2) Be careful that your hotel room is not bugged.

3) Don’t film a sex video because your partner could humiliate you by obscuring their face so as to humiliate you.

4) Say no to double dating, especially if the other couple are a director and/or a producer.

5) Never disclose secrets. Everyone has someone who they think that they can share a secret with.

6) If you’re an ethnic minority, ask a selfie chaser for proof of ethnic minority friends. You don’t want to be used as false proof that the selfie seeker is not racist.

7) The best way to reject a fellow actor from dating you is to be their matchmaker.

8) Avoid being photo bombed or pranked during a photo by having a large mirror placed behind the photographer.

9) Recommending your partner or date for a part still counts as using the casting couch, so restrain yourself.

10) Refrain yourself from befriending a drug addict or they will use you as a loan-shark or as the patsy in case they get busted.

11) Having your own videographer keep their distance in a busy room is like having an extra alibi.

12) If you suspect that your car has been rigged to explode, use the car key beeper at a safe distance.

13) Posed photos are to be shunned in favour of natural photos of you in the moment. Also, be wary of visiting other people’s sets in case that your image is exploited to sell the film. It may hurt the exposure of your own film.

14) Wearing sunglasses is a good way to hide the fact that you’re looking at someone who may be monitoring you.

15) The litmus test for trust is to give different answers to people who ask the same question. Hidden connections between people can be revealed through gossip that gets back to you.

16) When being tailed by someone as you drive, go to a multi-floor parking facility. If the car doesn’t follow you, it’s just waiting. If you have an extra car or a friend’s car nearby, use that to follow the stalker.

17) Never date anyone who claims to be 18; they could be 17.

18) Don’t reject the offer of a potentially violent person. Tell them that you will think about it. If they want a definitive answer straight away, say yes so as to save your life. The courts will decide how to spare you.

19) Think twice before attending a party that you’ve been invited to by an acquaintance. It could be a trap to harm you by jealous competitors of either the thespian or romantic kind.

20) If you’re on vacation, don’t advertise it on social media or your house will be robbed. Come to think of it, don’t showcase where you are in real time. Be one step ahead of paparazzi.

As a writer…

1) Appeal to an actor by writing or casting a project based on people who (or what) they follow on social media.

2) Refuse to reveal your influences in terms of authors or novelists because you will be pigeon-holed.

3) Turn down the chance to work with another writer because the audience won’t tell the difference in contributions.

4) Resist the temptation to befriend other writers. You don’t want to be plagiarized or be accused of being inspired by them.

5) Sending an e-mail to yourself is the best way to prove when you’ve come up with material.

6) If you suspect that your internet activity is being monitored by a plagiaristic hack, use a typewriter instead.

7) Snub an actor’s attempt to purchase your screenplay if you think that they would be miscast. In doing so, make sure that you know who they are affiliated with.

8) Always come prepared with a working title in case that your real title is good enough to be stolen.

9) Never write in public. You never know who could be watching you or filming you.

10) Don’t let yourself be seduced by a director and a producer who want to tag-team you in return for your services.


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